When Not to Regulate

When Not to Regulate: The Balance Between Nervous System Regulation and Being With Your Feelings

In the world of nervous system work, the term "regulation" is often celebrated as the ultimate goal.

👉🏼 Feeling anxious? Regulate yourself back to calm.

👉🏼 Stuck in freeze? Activate and move out of it.

👉🏼 Low mood? Push toward a better state.

And of course, regulation is an integral part of what I teach here in Journey to Wellness.

But on this healing journey what I often see is a strong attachment to tools and regulation. And this can lead to bypassing of emotions and a resistance to sensations and the natural ups and downs of life. I wanted to use this space to talk about another key aspect of what we learn here at Journey to Wellness...

While nervous system regulation is undeniably a powerful tool, there are moments when the goal shouldn’t be to shift our state but to sit with our feelings instead.

This practice of being with our emotions, rather than trying to change them, can be profoundly transformative.

Let’s explore why this balance matters and how understanding when to regulate and when to simply be can deepen resilience, expand your Window of Tolerance (WOT), and support true nervous system health.

First, What Is Nervous System Regulation?

Nervous system regulation refers to practices and techniques that help bring our body and mind back into a balanced state. It’s about shifting from stress responses like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn into a place of calm and connection.

Common benefits of regulation include:

• Immediate relief from overwhelming emotions.

• Increased ability to think clearly and make decisions.

• Feeling more grounded and present in the moment.

Regulation practices—like breath work, grounding exercises, polyvagal drills and somatic practices & movement (like we teach in our classes & membership) —are essential tools in managing stress, healing and navigating everyday challenges.

However, the goal shouldn’t always be to regulate back to calm. Sometimes, staying in discomfort is exactly what we need.

What Does It Mean to Be With Your Feelings?

Being with your feelings means allowing yourself to experience emotions fully, without trying to suppress, avoid, or fix them. It involves sitting in the discomfort of what’s arising and observing it with curiosity and compassion.

Why this matters:

• Emotions are messages. When we suppress or bypass them, we miss the valuable insights they offer.

• Experiencing emotions fully grows our resilience and emotional tolerance.

• Staying with difficult feelings—especially when they’re appropriate for the situation—teaches us that we can survive discomfort, strengthening our nervous system over time.

Being with emotions doesn’t mean wallowing or ruminating; it’s about holding space for what’s present without rushing to fix it. This process can help widen our Window of Tolerance (WOT).

The Window of Tolerance (WOT)

Your WOT refers to the range of emotional and physiological states you can comfortably tolerate before becoming overwhelmed. A wider window means greater capacity to handle stress, process emotions, and stay present in challenging situations.

How WOT develops:

• Through regulation: Practicing techniques that bring you back to safety helps your nervous system recover and stabilise.

• Through sitting with emotions: Allowing yourself to stay in discomfort expands your ability to tolerate intensity over time.

Regulation vs. Being With: Pros and Cons

Regulation

When to use it:

• You’re overwhelmed and unable to function.

• The situation requires clear thinking or action.

• You’re in a state that feels unsafe or unmanageable.

• You're overwhelmed by a trigger (trauma or otherwise)

• You're feeling at your limit, you've made space for the emotion or will do later & now need some time to come into calm

Pros:

• Provides relief and a sense of safety.

• Helps you regain clarity and focus.

• Prevents burnout or trauma reinforcement.

• Teaches your nervous system how to feel safe

• Helps the body come into balance for optimal health, sleep, digestion etc

Cons:

• Over-reliance on regulation can lead to bypassing emotions.

• May reduce opportunities to expand your capacity for discomfort.

Being With Your Feelings

When to use it:

• Your feelings are appropriate for the situation (e.g., grief after a loss).

• You’re in a safe environment to explore discomfort.

• You want to grow your tolerance for intensity or discomfort.

• You're in a safe space to explore some emotional processing

Pros:

• Builds emotional resilience and WOT.

• Allows for deeper self-awareness and processing.

• Honours the validity of your emotions and experiences.

Cons:

• Can be overwhelming if done without support or readiness (this is where having good regulation tools to call on is really important - being able to pendulate between emotions/sensations and regulation/safety)

• Requires time, space, and safety to sit with emotions effectively.

Finding the Balance

The key is learning when to regulate and when to stay with your feelings.

Here are some guidelines:

When to Regulate:

1. You’re in a crisis state. If you’re panicking, dissociating, or stuck in a freeze response, regulation can help bring you back to a place of safety.

2. You need to act. In situations requiring immediate action or decision-making, regulating can give you the clarity you need.

3. Your nervous system is maxed out. When you’re at the edge of your WOT, stepping back into regulation prevents overwhelm and supports recovery.

   
   

When to Be With Your Feelings:

1. The emotion fits the situation. If you’re feeling grief after loss, anger at injustice, or sadness/anxiety during change, sitting with these feelings can help you process and honour them.

2. The physical sensation is understandable given the situation you're in. I.e. you notice a pit in your tummy or a tight chest during an extremely stressful time in your life - it's okay to be with that sensation/not to try to get rid of it at times to receive the message it is sending or because it makes sense given the situation you are in. The applies to the sensations you know will resolve when the situation does.

3. You’re in a safe space. Emotional exploration requires safety—both externally (your environment) and internally (your readiness).

4. You want to build resilience. Tolerating discomfort without rushing to fix it grows your capacity to handle life’s challenges.

   
   

Practical Steps for Both Approaches

To Regulate:

• Practice deep, rhythmic breathing (e.g., 4-7-8 breathing).

• Use grounding techniques like focusing on your senses or connecting with your environment.

• Practice polyvagal drills (like the ones we teach in membership)

• Engage in gentle movement or somatic exercises to discharge tension (like the ones in Soma & Soul in our membership or our monthly Release Classes)

To Be With Your Feelings:

• Set aside time and space to explore your emotions without distractions.

• Notice where the feelings show up in your body. Breathe into those areas without trying to change them.

• Journal or express your feelings in creative ways to process them.

• Practice self-compassion: remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way.

Building Emotional Resilience

Over time, alternating between regulation and being with your feelings can:

• Increase your emotional capacity and flexibility.

• Help you navigate life with more confidence and less reactivity.

• Deepen your understanding of your own needs and patterns.

The ultimate goal isn’t to always feel calm—it’s to build a nervous system that’s both flexible and resilient, allowing you to face life’s challenges with strength and authenticity.

Both regulation and being with your emotions are essential tools in your emotional toolkit. Knowing when to use each can transform the way you navigate stress, discomfort, and growth.

Remember, it’s not about avoiding feelings or always striving for calm—it’s about honouring where you are and choosing the approach that serves you best in the moment.

Your emotions are not your enemy; they’re your guide. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is simply sit with them and listen.